Beauty from Pain.

This 1-2-3 day always haunts me on the calendar. Though, today it is especially potent as it marks the 4 year anniversary and I find myself once again a sophomore, thinking about you.

I can't help but laugh, at the worst day of my life because it started in a French III class, and here in French III once more I can at least rest assured knowing that today when I go to Mme. Roark's room it will not possibly be the worst French class of my life. :) I know you'd laugh. You always did.

I wonder how life would be different. You would've done flight training with me. We'd probably be even closer. That is hard to think about. It would've been much easier to rouse school spirit to beat you my senior year... though I'm sure you won't blame me that I did not go to the game and also that I did not pout when our greatest rivals went on to win state. It was, of course, for you.

I would probably not be best friends with Nikki, and so for that, I must smile, knowing that you have brought me my greatest joy. Also, Brad would not love Jesus and for all he's meant in my life, I must thank God for that also.

I wonder if you know how much your short life impacted Blue Springs. To be fair, I wonder if I know. I wonder if I stopped being my inconsolable 15-year-old self long enough to realize what enormous things God was using you to do. I wonder if you received a reward for being such an innocent sacrifice.

You'd be 20 now. I don't know where you'd be at school, but I'm sure you would be somewhere great. I'm also sure we'd have regular conversations about how our lame friends are nothing like teenstaff-- well, maybe. I've got some pretty awesome friends.

I want you to know that I'm doing well. There are still some things that make me think of you, inevitably, but still the memories are fading. I'm starting to forget your voice. Sometimes I can't remember your laugh. Sometimes I have to look at pictures to remember your face. But, for some reason, I just can't shake the memory of YOUR NASTY FEET on my face. No, I still have not (AND WILL NOT EVER) forgiven you. :) It's disgusting, and you know it. Of course here, Nikki pulls the, "in my mouth" card and she always wins. But it's a happy game.

I look back on that other sophomore year in a different world, when I was a different Veronica. It's a weird thing to remember. Leaving school, coming back, everyone wanted to be the first to tell me, not realizing I was the first to know. Crying, hugging, I think I even took a test.

What I remember most is the misery for I was supposed to be with you on Friday. We were supposed to worship together. And now, looking back, I realize that while I wept most bitterly you were worshiping in fullness of presence. You still are. It must be nice.

I wonder why you? Why not me? Would my life have been as glorifying had it ended then? What does God have left for me that I must stay here? I actually laugh, thinking about how I'd tell you about all those years of Club121 paying off for now I lead a bigger Club121 to which the entire student body is required to come at least 12 times per semester. HA! We'd crack up, I'm sure.

I miss spinning hugs, fullness of joy, foam Jesus fish, your servant heart, your incredible smile, everything.

I still cannot forgive those who pretended to try to comfort me after they saw me on the news, though I know it's time to let it go. I won't even tell you about it.

And the day continues, though I wish it would stand still. I have to go, though I will not stop thinking about you. I'll probably call Brad. Maybe I'll cry-- but I admit I've been needing to for a couple days now.

I wish I had words sufficient to give to Nikki.

I wish I could see you one more time.

Love you, so does Jesus.